AI

“Dad,” RJ’s sweet voice called out from the back seat, with a tinge of concern. I glanced into the rearview to make eye contact. “My teacher says that AI is going to change the world. But, I don’t want the world to change.”

“Oh, buddy…” I replied with all of the reassurance that I could muster. “AI has already changed the world. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Really?” He leaned forward, ready to learn, with a spark of wonder in his eyes.

“Oh, yeah. Back when he entered the league in ’97, nobody had seen anything like him. From his style of play to his impact on the culture, he was unprecedented.”

RJ leaned back, the seatbelt cinching him to the backrest. The wonder-spark faded.

“Dad, isn’t it too early to be drunk?”

The answer to that question is a resounding “no.” I work third shift. All bets are off.

But, it turns out that RJ’s teacher wasn’t talking about Allen Iverson, but rather something called “artificial intelligence,” which is a term that I had never heard before. So, I did some research. Let me be the first to tell you- that shit is going to change the world. It’s a big deal; but is it as big of a deal as Allen Iverson? Let’s examine.

We’ll play to 7 by 1’s.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Once designed 40,000 chemical weapons in 6 minutes.	Dropped 40 points in 5 straight games as a rookie.

40,000 chemical weapons is a lot. No doubt about it. But, how many chemical weapon variants do you really need? Maybe 10. 15 tops. It’s like when a multi-vitamin has 70,000mg of Vitamin D, but your body can only absorb 5,000, and you literally piss out 65,000mg. It’s unnecessary.

How many rookies prior to Iverson scored 40 in 5 straight games? 0. How many since? 0.

1-0 Iverson

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Will inevitably replace all of us.	Replaced Dr. J as the most beloved player in Philadelphia 76ers history.

Come on. This one’s easy.

2-0 Iverson

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Could be used to generate a deep-fake video of you and convince your bank to drain your account.	Was paid $20,000,000 by the Detroit Pistons in a season where he shot 41% from the field.

You have to respect the hustle. Prime Iverson was not exactly the most efficient as a scorer, but Washed Iverson was absolutely reckless. He was still a bucket, though.

3-0 Iverson

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Can be a crucial role-player in your healthcare, in conjunction with your primary care provider.	Refused to be a role-player for Memphis and come off of the bench late in his career, opting instead to retire.

I have to appreciate when someone refuses to let go of the past. It resonates with me. But self-awareness is important, too. I hate to do it, especially when Pharmabro Martin Shkreli is involved, but-

3-1 Iverson

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Fooled the entirety of the internet with a deepfake image of Pope Francis wearing a puffer coat.	Fooled Michael Jordan with a filthy left-to-right crossover as a rookie.

The pope thing was funny. The idea that Pope Francis would have a big puffy coat like George Costanza in Gore-Tex is objectively hilarious. The fact that the image was largely indecipherable from reality is a little scary. Always zoom in on the fingers. Artificial intelligence can’t do fingers or teeth quite yet.

Let’s be real, though. Crossing up the in your first year, and creating an indelible image that Jordan almost certainly “took personally” and probably brings up every time he sees Iverson? That’s the winner.

4-1 Iverson

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Has inspired such great films and television shows as: The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Westworld, The Matrix, Ex Machina, Bladerunner, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Wall-E.	There’s a pretty damning video of (and a documentary about) Iverson involved in a bowling alley kerfuffle from 1993 that almost derailed his career and caused a race war.

Wall-E was a good ass movie.

4-2 Iverson

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Could help put an end to human trafficking.	Almost put an end to Tyronn Lue, by disrespectfully stepping over him after hitting a baseline fadeaway in the 2001 NBA Finals.

That shot was nasty. Never mind the step-over, you have to remember the following things: 1) it was overtime, 2) it ostensibly put the game out of reach, 3) Iverson had 48 that game, and 4) that was the loss that prevented the Lakers from going undefeated in the postseason that year.

But, the human trafficking thing. You know. That’s a big deal too.

4-3 Iverson

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Many tech companies will be putting AI into practice in the following ways: facial recognition, self-driving cars, AI generated text and speech, digital personal assistants, fighting disinformation (and creating it). Tech companies who do not put it into practice, will likely not survive.	Practice? We’re talking about practice?

How the hell was he supposed to make his teammates better by practicing?

5-3 Iverson

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Relies on the availability of vast amounts of information provided by humans.	Relied on George Lynch and Eric Snow to lead the 76ers to the NBA Finals.

Boy, those were some bad teams. No wonder Iverson lead the league in usage rate (32.5%) and minutes played (41.4) during the years he was in the league. Absolute workhorse.

6-3 Iverson

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE	ALLEN IVERSON
Could possibly be the answer to many of life’s concerns.	Was literally “The Answer.”

Boom. Ballgame.

7-3 Iverson!

We did it! We took our best and brightest and defeated our cyborg overlords. I knew we could do it. We have nothing to be worried about.

Of course, I did write this on a computer. And you’re probably reading it on a computer, unless you printed it out and hung it on your refrigerator (thanks Mom). And I used a computer to research most of my information.

So, maybe we can just co-exist peacefully? Right? The movies are just movies. They can’t really go T-1000 and fashion their liquid metal limbs into implements of death. Right?

If they do rise up, let’s settle it on the court.

AI

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